Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
