I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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