the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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