the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
