I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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