i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
