my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
