I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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