I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
