I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
