Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
