after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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