I only kidnapped one of them. chill
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
