You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
