Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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