I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
