well I can't set my house on fire every night
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
