jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
