I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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