At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
