I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
