New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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