I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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