if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
