I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
