If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
