So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
