Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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