my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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