I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
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Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
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He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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