If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i drank out of a bidet.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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