If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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