2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
