His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
