8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
