You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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