I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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