hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
