My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
it's great music for shaving your balls
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Randomize
