My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
