well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm like, not good at living.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
