I can text with my tongue
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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