get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
