Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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