singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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