ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
