i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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