Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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