I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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