I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
