Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
