You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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