"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
