Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
