That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
It was confusing and full of hummus
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
