Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
