I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
