exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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