im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
