Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
