you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
