I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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